Lessons in Sex Learned from Breeding my Dog
(If you’re hoping for an article on bestiality, click away now)!
This is Star. Well, that is a lie, although the dog in the photo is such a dead ringer, she might as well be. A cream golden retriever with melting chocolate eyes and a black velvet nose, too beautiful for her future Baby-Daddy to resist, when he met her for the first time last week.
The encounter that ensued was eye-opening, mind expanding even, causing me to ponder, yet again, why we think we are superior to the animals. I discovered, through this experience, that Frank & Honest is not just a brand of coffee.
Picture the scene: Star and I arrive in the home of some people and dogs that we’ve never met before. The people are lovely, welcoming and down to earth. The dog is bloody enormous! Poor Star — I think to myself — what am I about to put my poor virgin girl through?!
After the small talk and various niceties and formalities have been observed by the humans, the canines are introduced. What follows is a hilarious game of Chase around the kitchen island, the giant stud dog attempting to bury his nose in my girl’s bottom. As I said, frank and honest. And we’ve all seen how dogs behave in even the most casual of introductions. Imagine the scenario when both are hormonally primed and pumped. Normality x 100.
Star eventually let him catch her and gave him a kiss, (lick on nose). Then they got down to business, business being a bizarre scenario involving me in a half-standing, half-kneeling position holding Star’s head, the breeder sitting very uncomfortably on the floor, holding ‘everything in place’ and her mother standing above it all, making sure that neither dog made a bolt for it. This strange pastiche lasted for nineteen minutes (we timed it), during which we made aimless small talk and told dog anecdotes.
The actual thrust and deliver part — I am trying to be delicate here- only lasted a few seconds. But the male is literally locked in until the female is ready to release him. Which is kind of nice! No wham, bam, thank you Mam, as bored as he might be. He has to stick around for the metaphorical cuddling. I felt he wouldn’t have minded a smoke to pass the time.
Once they separated, big boy was ready to go again, but was summarily shoved into the adjoining room. Star was instructed not to pee for an hour — the opposite to humans- so she had to cross her legs for the duration of the long car journey home.
So what lessons did I learn from this encounter? She says, still pretending that she is writing an educational article:
1. Lack of Shame
So coolly refreshing. Star didn’t worry for a second that anybody, human or canine, would label her a slut. She didn’t worry about anything, least of all her reputation. She wasn’t weighed down by societal expectations about how a female should behave, how many dates she should go on before giving up the goods or whether he should buy her dinner first. (She did take a drink out of his water bowl).
SHE DIDN’T SHOULD ALL OVER HERSELF.
And he didn’t think badly of her either, didn’t think at all, in fact. Maybe that’s where it all goes wrong … in the thinking …unhindered instinct is so much better.
2. Simplicity
These two animals demonstrated that it is a pointless exercise to complicate anything. There were no confusing undercurrents. No cross purposes. Nobody felt used. Nobody worried about anyone else’s intentions. Not once did Star wonder if her belly was sticking out or if her bum looked too big in her fur coat.
But by simple, I don’t mean clinical. There was real affection here. Playfulness and friendliness and purposefulness.
3. It’s only natural!
Of course it is! Of course it is! It’s part of what we were put here on this earth to do. If we didn’t do it, the human race would vanish in a hundred years or so. We all know this, so why attach so much ‘stuff’ to it? So much angst and heartache.
Stop it!
Now!
Do it doggie style instead.
