The Ten Best Insults My Children Have Given Me
My children are lovely little creatures, they really are. However … They are not ones to mince their words and are honest to an absolute fault.
In the unlikely event that their mother should start to suffer from an inflated sense of self importance, they have mastered the art of taking her down a peg or ten.
You will note, during the course of this list, that the majority of these insults relate to my sartorial elegance, or lack thereof, and my culinary ability, or complete absence of same.
So here we go — in no particular order:
- ‘Is that your new scarf? It looks just like the blanket we bought for Granny.’ (This, followed by a concerned ‘Do you find that offendive?’).
- ‘Mam, I don’t think you’d do very well on Masterchef (TV cookery competition). These chicken nuggets are rock hard.’
- When I proudly announced to my daughter that a random woman told me that my naturally graying hair was beautiful she responded with: ‘That’s odd,’ followed by the pithy, ‘I suppose she had gray hair like you,’ (No), leading to the clincher, ‘well she must have been mentally ill.’
- ‘I want to give up mashed potatoes for lent. But not Granny’s mashed potatoes, just yours.’
- Me: ‘Do you like my new trousers?’ Daughter: ‘I suppose they’re okay as long as you don’t wear them outside the house.’
- ‘You look stupid.’ (on the occasion of wearing my new jacket for the first time). It doesn’t get more definitive than that.
- Me: ‘Would you like me to come in with you?’ (on the first day of secondary school). Daughter: ‘No! Okay, yes, but you’re not allowed to talk to anyone. You’re so embarrassing! But I’m scared. I’d rather be embarrassed than scared.’
- ‘Is Dad as embarrassing as me?’ ‘No, because he’s actually funny. You try to be funny but always get it wrong.’
- ‘Your new hairstyle makes you look like a young Obi-Wan Kanobi.’ (I believe this was meant as a compliment),
- Daughter 1: ‘This dinner is disgusting.’ Daughter 2: ‘It’s always disgusting.’ Daughter 1: ‘But it’s even more disgusting than usual.’ Daughter 2: ‘I know.’
I could add to this list. Maybe I will update it in a few months time, when they have given me enough new material. Make that a few weeks.
So, as you can see, my children do not really do much to bolster my self confidence. Luckily, this is not their job. That is what I am here to do for them. And in return, they teach me on a daily basis not to take myself too seriously, to laugh at life and above all, to have fun.
