The Ten Best Insults My Children Have Given Me

Photo by Allen Taylor on Unsplash

My children are lovely little creatures, they really are. However … They are not ones to mince their words and are honest to an absolute fault.

In the unlikely event that their mother should start to suffer from an inflated sense of self importance, they have mastered the art of taking her down a peg or ten.

You will note, during the course of this list, that the majority of these insults relate to my sartorial elegance, or lack thereof, and my culinary ability, or complete absence of same.

So here we go — in no particular order:

1. ‘Is that your new scarf? It looks just like the blanket we bought for Granny.’ (This, followed by a concerned ‘Do you find that offendive?’).
2. ‘Mam, I don’t think you’d do very well on Masterchef (TV cookery competition). These chicken nuggets are rock hard.’
3. When I proudly announced to my daughter that a random woman told me that my naturally graying hair was beautiful she responded with: ‘That’s odd,’ followed by the pithy, ‘I suppose she had gray hair like you,’ (No), leading to the clincher, ‘well she must have been mentally ill.’
4. ‘I want to give up mashed potatoes for lent. But not Granny’s mashed potatoes, just yours.’
5. Me: ‘Do you like my new trousers?’…